Abuse Intentionally or not, is still abuse.
Monday, July 31st, 2017I know, unintentional abuse is still abuse. Emotional abuse, is still abuse as well. Learning to control my emotions by learning patience and emotion regulation is very important but also very difficult for me.
Having C-PTSD, I know what emotional pain feels like, The fear the, pain, the anger etc etc. I know hurting other people is bad. I will try to explain what happens, note that this is a really not an excuse for me to be allowed to hurt anyone. Its the reason why it happens. It doesn’t make it right And it doesn’t mean that I can accept it from myself either, but I would like to explain it a little bit.
When I am in a normal state of mind I am reasonable and I would never do or say anything to hurt anyone. My traumas cause that I can be over flooded with emotions. More and intenser then I can handle, they are traumas from my past. The fear and pain is very real. They stem from real experiences. I have been hurt, I have been abandoned, I have been neglected, I have been sexually abused, etc etc. Its mostly emotional flashbacks that cause this. My traumas are overlapping each other and it becomes very difficult to sort out what caused it often that I respond so strongly. If I knew what caused it right away and can lead back the emotion to its origin then I can compare it with the current situation and work on dealing with the current situation in the right manner. I understand often that what I feel is not accurate with the current situation.
What I don’t know is how to respond anymore because of being overwhelmed. I have said things to people while in my mind I was only trying to protect, defend and stand up for myself. I was hurt, mostly by people I was supposed to trust. I am mostly triggered by those people for that reason. Other people can trigger me too but it will have less effect on them because I keep distant more from them than from people that I care about. So I will easier get into a situation that triggers me with people that I care about then people that I don’t care about. Logic wise its easier to regulate my emotions when its a child who triggered me or when its an adult person. I wish I could explain this better.
Some people are for me an almost constant trigger. That being said should tell you that I feel really horrible, and it hurts me very much knowing that I hurt other people. I am working very hard to stop my own abuse and to heal myself from my traumas. And, intentionally or not, it is still abuse. It is very hard for me to forgive myself and that too is part of my healing and something I am working on. Now last but not least. I am really sorry for hurting anyone, I know these people love(d) me and I hope they can forgive me. I also want to apologize to the people who love the persons I have hurt, other then myself, I am sorry.
