Healing
I had a few very busy days at the school of my youngest and with my oldest turning 18 I am going to have to look into how that affects everything in our lives. Aside of that I have learned more about my reactions to my traumas once again that I underestimated. I don’t want to lay out my whole love life here or go into details about it but it comes down to the fact that due to my traumas I have hurt my beloved sweetheart up to a point that drastic changes needed to be made. He can’t be in a relationship with me right now and I truly don’t know if he can be ever. My reactions to my fears are so overwhelming that they blind me until my emotions calm down and I can think straight again. I have been receiving therapy for a long time but I don’t know how to get past this because these emotions that completely flood me basically paralyzes me from using my learned skills. This scares me more then anything because if I can’t get past this I wont ever be able to heal. How do I get past my fears!? Reading article after article from all kinds of specialists tell me that this foundation of trust, because that’s basically why I am so scared, should be build in a loving relationship with lots of support an care and understanding. Of course not without therapy. But its the relationship that is the most troublesome part.
I have been hurting my beloved and I find it impossible to even forgive myself. The fact that our relationship is/was a long distance one makes it extra challenging plus our age difference and cultural differences. None of this changes how much I love him. After my hurtful reactions and looking at his own reactions to it he came to he conclusion that this is not working for him right now and he needed to distance himself from me for a while. No contact at all. This is a real challenge for me, not because I can’t or don’t want to give him the time to heal. Not because I can’t keep myself from contacting him, I just miss everything about him the warmth of our relationship and all the things we used to do. I need now to hold on to something that is really scary for me. I have to have trust in something that is for me almost impossible to believe. I have to believe that everything will be alright, whatever that may be. I have to trust in myself that I will be alright and coop with my fears caused by my traumas. One of them is fear of abandonment. This is NOT an imaginary danger because people HAVE abandoned me in the past. The feeling is very real! So abandonment recovery is one thing I need to engage in. Another thing is my fear of love. When everything goes fine and a minor thing comes up it can trigger me enormously and I will want to get away from it. Because in the past I have learned that this thing called love, hurts me to a point that I am traumatized now. So yes another fear based on REAL experiences. My reactions to this fear varies, most times I think I can control it and handle it okay I think, but other times it completely takes me over and its beyond control.
I don’t know what is going to happen between me and my beloved, I don’t know if he will heal and will want to continue our relationship. I have to be realistic. I can’t heal my traumas in a short period of time. Don’t think I am just trying to heal because of him or my love for him. I am healing for me, for myself in the first place. Its just that my traumas related to trust and love in a relational environment are the most difficult ones for me to deal with. A lot of my other traumas I already have learned to overcome and healed from. I need to find ways to coop better with my relational traumas and this made me think of something I have not done in a long time. Grounding. I used to ground myself every so often and especially when I was triggered this was a skill that helped me a lot. I forgot about it somehow and I have started to do it again. It helps me to stay in the here and now and stay with the reality of now and can help me fight my triggers. Meditating helps me too to calm and return to the here and now. I should have done it more often but I am stubborn and have not much patience especially not when it comes to my healing process. All right enough researching, rediscovering, reflecting and writing for now.
