12:40 PM I took my second capsule since I started with the CBD oil yesterday. The pain in my back (because Im on my moons) is really bad and I hope the oil capsule will help against that pain as well. So far I am positive about the oil and its effects on me. I am still thinking if I should take another capsule later in the day.

10:49 pm. I got sleepy a few hrs after taking the capsule but decided not to nap. My backpain was slightly less. now I go sleep.

I woke up around 3 am ish with a night mare. I took a second capsule and went back to sleep. I feel okay.

So I bought CBD oil and I am starting right away. My anxiety is through the roof I feel extemely shaky up to a point where I am so stressed that I almost throw up without any particular reason really. Just anxiety and fears.

These on the pic below are the CBD oil capsules I bought. I choose these because the description on the package was easy to understand. I had read that the drops don’t taste so great that’s why I have decided to buy capsules of 5mg. They are small and easy to swallow and easy to take a higher dose gradually. They were voted as the best product of the year 2017 -2018 by the Dutch consumers vote so I assume it is a good product. Aside from that, it was priced down to half the price since the brand had a special deal on all of their products.

Above I have already stated how I feel; extremely anxious and sick from stress. I feel shaky and on edge.

2:44 PM I took one capsule of 5 mg. I honestly hope I will feel better soon and I honestly don’t care if that’s all just in the mind or seriously working. as long as I feel better it works for me. On a side note, the capsules have a very unpleasant smell.

5:33 PM I realized a while ago I started to feel calmer. still, worry and little anxious but the stress seem to have calmed out a little. I was wondering if that was just in my mind or because of the oil. I guess the long term use should tell. I took a shower and in the shower when I relaxed, even more, my mind went wandering to thoughts that would have easily set me off many times. I felt like crying but also kinda numb. tears didn’t come. An odd feeling I find difficult to describe. It worries me a little I don’t want to be less sensitive, I just want to be not so stressed and anxious and overwhelmed when triggered. Another thing I noticed is a side effect. MY mouth is really dry. That side-effect was listed. It worries me a little as well because with many medications I had the problem that my skin became extremely dry. I will update this post in some hours again probably.

8:10 pm I was feeling tired and started to nap around 7 PM but to be fair I’ve had a really bad week behind me. I’m guessing the oil may bring my hypervigilance down n that is prolly partly the reason I’m more relaxed and able to feel tired in a healthy way. I have skipped dinner but I did eat a warm snack. I updated my sweet bf about the CBD oil effects and he reminded me to drink water, which I am going to do. Just to make sure I stay healthy I will also make a sandwich now. ( Yes, lol and eat it ) So far it looks the CBD oil is working. I hope I don’t get to deal with other side effects. So far so good.

I slept more hours in a row then usually but I woke up earlier, which makes sense because I went to bed earlier. I did feel the effect of the oil was losing its strength in my body when I woke a little after 3 AM. However, I had my guard down and I got triggered a few hours later. My response to the trigger was okay. I handled it well but I still felt really bad. It is the first day of my moons so that does affect my wellbeing overall as well My back was really sore. I went back to sleep a little before 7 AM. The emotions of my trauma response had taken my energy I slept until 10:30 AM when a notification of my phone woke me up. I feel rested though again I’m on my moons and the back pain is bad and costing me energy.

I have questioned last night after I woke if I should have taken another oil capsule though I didn’t because I am trying to build it up slowly like suggested on the package. I will take my oil capsule now and hope it will also help against the pain in my back too.

I came to a point where once again my traumas got the best of me and the results weren’t pretty. Yes, it was fairly mild compared to some years ago but when I say fairly mild, that’s in comparison and honestly not so mild at all. I feel bad about it and always have. I have been offered subscribed medications but I refused since my bad encounter with an antidepressant long ago. My overall reactions to medications are not too great. Since any and all side effects usually hit me fully.

However I am getting desperate since I know my CPTSD may probably never fully heal and I will have to deal with my anxiety, fears, sleep problems, etc etc for the rest of my life. So I have read here and there a little on CBD oil and how great it works on so many things. I feel IM ready to try it out but I do not know a whole lot about it. A bad experience will lead to me throwing it out of the window and will most likely keep me from trying medications out again, altho it’s not a medication but a food supplement for me I see it as a medication.

So after finally getting more and more information I am simply going to start to use it and hope I will have a good experience this time. I will try and keep a little diary of how it works on me and if it works on me and hopes that this may be useful to other people.

Yet another post about C-PTSD. Those that know me well or have been following me on my facebook or instagram can possibly know I am diagnosed with C-PTSD. I have shared many links to pages with all kinds of information on C-PTSD from healing to symptom and causes.

I find it very hard to accept and understand that still people judge  my diagnose as if it was caused by something I did. As if it is a disease, an illness. Or even worse as if it is something I was born with.

My C-PTSD was caused by things others did to me. It became so much that the trauma was more then I could deal with and it started to damage me. I had to learn ways to coop with the danger that I was surrounded with.

I am not ashamed of  having C-PTSD because I did not caused it to myself and I am working very hard to heal from it while still dealing with everything else that other people deal with too.

I am sorry for the reactions I have because of my C-PTSD and like I said before I work very hard to heal from my traumas. So do not judge me but judge those who caused it instead and try to be understanding and know that I am painfully aware of what is going on with me. I am not trying to hide it Im just trying to be the best I can be.

Yes, 2019 is approaching and with pain in my heart, I look back at the past year. What I thought and hoped to be my year was a year extremely rural, a rollercoaster without limits it seems and it has not ended yet. I fell deep, very deep, up to a point that I was about to give up on everything. I have made choices I regret but also choices I am very proud of.

So I do not only look back with pain, but I also look back with pride and full of strength because not everything I lost was a bad thing. Much of the pain I endured gave me insight. Allowing myself to feel also means allowing myself to heal.  I have cut ties with people who were disrespectful and hurtful towards me on purpose up to a point that I do not want to be part of their lives any longer. Where others have cut ties with me and to be honest I wish with some of them that things where different. But they make their own choices and that’s it.

My healing journey has progressed but sometimes a step forward meant taking two steps back and that’s painful because this battle is already hard enough and taking long enough as it is. I just finished a trauma recovery therapy which was extremely heavy without the needed support system that most people have. So now I am starting to plan the next step in my healing journey. You may think it’s getting easier but it’s actually not. I am starting to feel more and more and even deeper than ever before and it hurts and altho dealing with these emotions seem to be somewhat easier it’s still very difficult and complicated for me to deal with. IM still not there and I’m sure my hardest battle has yet to come.

In the past few months, I have made decisions for myself and started building boundaries. As soon as I have finished writing them I will post them here so I won’t forget them but also for others to see what healthy boundaries look like and what mine are because how are you supposed to know my boundaries when I don’t tell you.  The last thing I want to share is that what I found in my heart two years ago is still there. Unchanged.

Hugs.