Many have written about it and sung about it and the end of this is not in sight. Love to me is all containing. Love heals and love cares. Love endures and love is patient. Love respects and love shares. Love overcomes and love grows. Love brings hope and love gives strength. In fact, I believe love is magic because it has powers and its strongest powers are healing and strength. So I believe there is no stronger force than love.
Lately, I’m starting to feel invisible again and that makes me want to disappear, loneliness starts creeping up on me and I am scared for that depression that’s been lurking around trying to get a hold on me.
Being too strong for too long can cause depression but what other choice do I have? I have no other choice then be strong. Yes, I drop down from time to time but I can’t stay there, I got to get up again cause no one else is going to do it for me. So I keep picking myself up and I’m trying to find things to distract me and silence the thoughts in my head but I’m losing patience and I’m becoming moody which doesn’t help anything at all. ugh.
People letting me down not doing what they say they do. I wish I had people in my life I could truly depend on that they do what they say. When I think back I never really had that. All I ever really had was myself. Maybe this is why it’s so important for me to do what I say n be reliable almost at all cost.
I am tired, I want to let go n take a break not having to worry about anything. My last little break was almost 2 years ago to get hit by major depression and a lot of stress right after. I want to have energy and be able to do things. I feel like a phone battery that never is put down long enough to fully recharge an all the time almost runs empty.
Often people think that being lonely just means you have no one to talk with or hang out with. But loneliness goes much deeper. There is much more connected to loneliness then just having no one to talk with.
Yeah, I can feel lonely when I am watching a movie and at a certain moment, you want to say something about a particular event in the movie and there’s just no one to share that moment with. That sucks.
But, I grew up having no one I could trust. I could not tell my fears, my worries or anything really to anyone. My mom used to say about me and to me that it was always like it was me against the world. And it was. I was very alone and lonely at that time I did not understand what loneliness was. Cause I had people around me, I had parents and I lived in a town with people around me. Now I know I was lonely. I still am often because of everything that I have gone through.
Loneliness is when people tell you that you can always call them if there’s anything but when you do they don’t have time, not just once, I understand too that people sometimes don’t have time. I even understand that when they promise to call you back later and that they don’t that they could have forgotten because their life simply does not revolve around me. I understand that. But when that is not a single time situation and that repeats itself multiple times I realized that they were not going to be there for me and that I couldn’t call when there was something, anything.
Loneliness is when you want to be alone just so you do not feel excluded, rejected and a constant outcast. I started to do volunteer work, not only to give back to the community and make this world a better place but also to try to fight my loneliness. It does help a little. Those moments I feel I am being part of something. It doesn’t cover everything but it does cover a little bit of my loneliness and I am grateful for the people that make it possible.
I know that feeling lonely now also is because of my own choices. I choose not to reach out because of my fears to be rejected, abandoned, laughed at, ridiculed or simply not taken seriously. Choices I don’t make because I really want to. Choices I make because I often feel it better to feel lonely then hurt. Having traumas really sucks.
I have posted this song lyrics because they hold a pecial reference to me. In the first place UB40 is my number one all time favourit band I have been listening to since my early teens. Theire songs as well as other reggae songs have often a meaning that I can relate to and find comfort and understanding from. It helps realizing that I am not the only one who thinks further then just where my own priviledge ends.
This particular song and the song title refers to the statistic numbers of 9,6 which was the percentage of the local workforce claiming unemployment benefit in the West Midlands in the UK in the summer of 1981 when the song was released.
I believe its written not just for that moment in time alone and you can place it in many situations where this world simply just doent care. because the number of unaffected people is greater then the affected. which does not make the suffering of the affected any less. That bothers me a lot that so many people can just remain unaffected in any way as if these things don’t exist, like the song reads.
I often have felt this way myself and once again I feel it fitting for my situation once again. Im not posting it to get just that attention for me. I just hope to reach someone and that it will lead to more understanding and compassion, appreciation and support for those who are less priviledged and have been more successful and lucky in life.
I am the one in ten
A number on a list
I am the one in ten
Even though I don’t exist
Nobody knows me
But I’m always there
A statistic, a reminder
Of a world that doesn’t care
My arms enfold the dole queue
Malnutrition dulls my hair
My eyes are black and lifeless
With an underprivileged stare
I’m the beggar on the corner
Will no-one spare a dime?
I’m the child that never learns to read
‘Cause no-one spared the time
I am the one in ten
A number on a list
I am the one in ten
Even though I don’t exist
Nobody knows me
But I’m always there
A statistic, a reminder
Of a world that doesn’t care
I’m the murderer and the victim
The license with the gun
I’m a sad and bruised old lady
In an ally in a slum
I’m a middle-aged businessman
With chronic heart disease
I’m another teenaged suicide
In a street that has no trees
I am the one in ten
A number on a list
I am the one in ten
Even though I don’t exist
Nobody knows me
But I’m always there
A statistic, a reminder
Of a world that doesn’t care
I’m a starving third world mother
A refugee without a home
I’m a housewife hooked on Valium
I’m a Pensioner alone
I’m a cancer ridden specter
Covering the earth
I’m another hungry baby
I’m an accident of birth
I am the one in ten
A number on a list
I am the one in ten
Even though I don’t exist
Nobody knows me
But I’m always there
A statistic, a reminder
Of a world that doesn’t care
(..)
I am the one in ten
A number on a list
I am the one in ten
Even though I don’t exist
Nobody knows me
But I’m always there
A statistic, a reminder
Of a world that doesn’t care.
There is a lot to say about this word. If you google the actual meaning then you will end up finding out that drama is something that’s being performed in theaters. actors playing out a role by written script performing it on a stage. Usually, the role is acted out extremely to gain attention for the storyline.
Often when people use the word drama they usually speak of someone in real life whos creating problems in the community because of whatever reason. This reason is usually something that the person who uses the word drama finds rather unimportant.
The reason why I chose to bring up this topic s because I find myself often in situations that have been described as a drama by those who are either just being rude because they don’t agree with something or because they don’t understand/see what the “big deal” is.
These things are a “Big deal” to people like me because we are (I am) traumatized and we are not acting out to seek attention we are sincerely feeling that distressed. It’s not play. It is not something to get attention frankly I don’t like that much attention at all especially not for those things. I rather have everything going smooth without triggers, panic, anxiety, fears and worries.
So when you know someone who has gone through a lot and there is an issue happenign that you dont understand what is “the big deal,” please don’t describe it as drama because that is actualy hurting us (me) and making us (me) feel that our (my) feeligns are being ignored and denied while I serously do feel all this fear, panix and anxiety. More often then not it takes control of my whole existence. Not because I wnat to or like it. Simpy because I am that much affected by it.
I agree that often what is actually and visually happening may not match by the reaction I have and that I am showing. But there is a lot more happening inside me that others are not aware of, don’t feel and don’t see. I bring this up because of yet something that happened today that set me off because of triggers. Those triggers have a history of something that really happened to me that has hurt me. Put me again in such a situation with such similarities and I am overwhelmed by the same emotions from that time. Not because I enjoy the attention but because I am hurting.
Think about that before you think of something being “not such a big deal”, or calling something drama when the person with the problem is seriously hurting, panicking and distressed. I am not that great of an actor to perform such a drama like that by script. I really feel that what I supposedly “act” and not because I want to or choose to.
While it is happening and I am trying to get through all my emotions and swim through this sea of emotions, I am also trying to keep my emotions in check which is extremely difficult when I become in a state where I am absolutely terrified.
What you can do instead of describing it as drama and ignoring this person’s feelings at that moment completely depends on what the person is reacting to and what has happened that set them off. Often you can see nowadays in social media on posts and messages “trigger warning” it would be nice if we could get a heads up about situations in real life so that we (I) the traumatized person gets a warning ahead about what is going on. Unfortunately, that usually does not happen.
Without that warning, it’s just like when a person with a fear of water who can’t swim is being pushed into a big pool. Extreme terror and fear are surrounding this person. Anyone who understands fear a little bit knows that this isn’t “drama” or a person acting out a written script but real emotions. The same thing is the case when a traumatized person gets triggered.
