About loneliness
Often people think that being lonely just means you have no one to talk with or hang out with. But loneliness goes much deeper. There is much more connected to loneliness then just having no one to talk with.
Yeah, I can feel lonely when I am watching a movie and at a certain moment, you want to say something about a particular event in the movie and there’s just no one to share that moment with. That sucks.
But, I grew up having no one I could trust. I could not tell my fears, my worries or anything really to anyone. My mom used to say about me and to me that it was always like it was me against the world. And it was. I was very alone and lonely at that time I did not understand what loneliness was. Cause I had people around me, I had parents and I lived in a town with people around me. Now I know I was lonely. I still am often because of everything that I have gone through.
Loneliness is when people tell you that you can always call them if there’s anything but when you do they don’t have time, not just once, I understand too that people sometimes don’t have time. I even understand that when they promise to call you back later and that they don’t that they could have forgotten because their life simply does not revolve around me. I understand that. But when that is not a single time situation and that repeats itself multiple times I realized that they were not going to be there for me and that I couldn’t call when there was something, anything.
Loneliness is when you want to be alone just so you do not feel excluded, rejected and a constant outcast. I started to do volunteer work, not only to give back to the community and make this world a better place but also to try to fight my loneliness. It does help a little. Those moments I feel I am being part of something. It doesn’t cover everything but it does cover a little bit of my loneliness and I am grateful for the people that make it possible.
I know that feeling lonely now also is because of my own choices. I choose not to reach out because of my fears to be rejected, abandoned, laughed at, ridiculed or simply not taken seriously. Choices I don’t make because I really want to. Choices I make because I often feel it better to feel lonely then hurt. Having traumas really sucks.
