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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009
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Frozen Shoulder

April 12th, 2021

As a result of ongoing severe stress for the past few years, I now am dealing with a frozen shoulder. Apart from a very painful experience especially in the first few months and losing the movement in my left shoulder/arm it takes a long time to recover from. The physiotherapists told me it’s going to be 2 to 3 years. the first few months are possible very painful all the while losing the movement in my arm. In the second stage, the pain will be less but still losing movement in my arm. Finally, in the third stage, I will slowly gain movement back in my arm. This is a huge setback for me. Having to focus on my arm now and still dealing with this burnout I have put my therapy for my c-PTSD on hold.

I have been cutting down my stream hours as well so I have less strain on my arm. I have picked up the crafting streams now on Saturdays instead. It’s very relaxing and I enjoy it a lot aswell.

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Back on track

March 15th, 2021

After a month or somewhat of losing track n dealing with burnout I’m now at a point of getting life back on track little by little. My dear beloved came back into my stream which resulted in us getting back together n me fixing my life starting with my sleeping schedule.

Altho the extreme hours I put into streaming were good for my channel revenue, it wasn’t exactly healthy for me. So That’s what I took under my wing first and then little by little the rest that I had been neglecting in the last few weeks.

Me and Ali picked up where we left off when our relationship ended and there is a better understanding now for each other I think. He has been getting his first vaccine for covid so he can come to see me when traveling allows it. I really can’t wait until we finally meet physically. We currently are teaming up as a duo in Apex and I am slowly getting better at the game. My aim and precision are better but also my anxiety and panic are getting fewer which results in a better focus and relaxed match for myself. Only good vibes so far.

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A break.

February 27th, 2021

Unfortunately things between me and Ali did not work out. He has always treated me well and I have a great deal of respect for him for that. Just things do not always go as we want. That doesn’t mean that either of us is a bad person just that it simply didn’t work out.

I don’t really want to go into detail on how things went between us because I think that’s not anyone else’s business. That’s something between me and Ali. He’s a great person and I have no need to hang the dirty laundry that every broken relationship has, outside for everyone to see.

However I did felt the need to say something about this because the relationship I had with him was different then any other I’ve been in. It helped me a lot in my healing process. Ali showed me a me from a different angle and in a different light. I will always appreciating this.

If you do happen to read this Ali, I wish you well, good fortune, and love, miss you much.

What this relationship brought me is a lot of healing and more wisdom. Wisdom I wish I had at a younger age to make better decisions. The fortunate part of this is that I know better what I want. Or rather what kind of person I need in my life.

Someone who’s friendly n kind, who can handle me and my C-PTSD. Someone with patience to learn about it. He is supportive, likes to cuddle, and has a generous heart. Someone who communicates things well and has the space for me in his life.

Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely not looking for a relation at this point. I’m good. I have too much to deal with at this point as it is already dealing with a burnout from everything i got going on. Basically I’ve canceled out everything as much as I can from things I HAVE to do and focus on things I want to do. I just need a break and that’s what I am taking at the moment. A break

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Streaming N crafting

February 5th, 2021

A few days ago I did an unboxing stream on my twitch channel. It was the first of a live stream that’s related to my crafting. I am planning to start doing crafting streams once I have my Elgato and a new webcam.

What did I unbox? I unboxed Pergamano crafting supplies. This was my Christmas gift of 2020 from a very sweet and thoughtful man. After he learned I had lost my crafting supplies a long time ago, he realized how much this has meant to me he told me that he wanted to replace these materials and tools for me. So he sends me on a shopping-spree online (since we have a lock-down and everything is closed) and I came home with like 500 euros worth of crafting supplies!

Finally delivered after a bunch of delays due to Brexit, covid, and out of stock of certain items. So when these items finally arrived I did an unboxing stream. Now I finally can get back into my crafting again! I love this man so much! <3

Perhaps now my last post also makes more sense after you read this one if you had not understood it yet, altho there’s a lot more meaning in it than just a replacement of my crafting tools. Pergamano crafting has been so soothing and calming for me. I can make beautiful things with it and I enjoy the time spend while crafting.

I hope to see you in one of my streams someday when I’m crafting (or gaming). My stream channel is at twitch.tv/lunatearz

Hugs to all and Much love and thanks to Ali!

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Everything you love,

January 25th, 2021

“EVERYTHING YOU LOVE IS VERY LIKELY TO BE LOST, BUT IN THE END, LOVE WILL RETURN IN A DIFFERENT WAY.”

This is a quote that helps me a lot in my healing journey and I can find true meaning for myself. Especially now today for reason I don’t wish to share. That why I want to share this today here. It’s by Franz Kafka who was a novelist and short-story writer, he never married and never had children. He lived from 1883 until 1924.

When he was 40, he was strolling through Steglitz Park in Berlin, when he met a young girl crying her eyes out because she had lost her doll. Together they looked for the doll without success. Then Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would look again for the doll.

The next day, they still didn’t found the doll and Kafka gave the girl a letter that was supposedly written by the doll that said, “Please do not cry. I have gone on a trip to see the world. I’m going to write to you about my adventures.”  

That was the beginning of a story that continued to the end of Kafka’s life. 

Every time when Kafka and the girl would meet, Kafka read aloud his carefully composed letters of adventures and conversations about the doll, which the girl loved. Finally, Kafka read her a letter where the doll tells them she had come back to Berlin and he gave her a doll he had bought for her. “This does not look at all like my doll,” the girl said. Kafka handed her another letter that was reading: “My trips, they have changed me.” The girl then hugged the new doll and took it home with her.  

Many years later, the now grown-up girl found a letter tucked into an unnoticed crevice in the doll. The tiny letter, signed by Kafka, said, “Everything you love is very likely to be lost, but in the end, love will return in a different way.”

This story, this quote, tells me about replacing a love that’s lost and within my last relationship, I found so much truth in this that I was reminded about this quote and story. The love this man has given me has proven to be very healing. I feel blessed that we met. Thank you, Ali

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