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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009
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Facing Truths

November 8th, 2021

Being pushed with my face on the hard truths after a trigger is truthfully painful. Yes, pun intended.

Today I have faced and learned the truth about my own impatience when I am in crisis. I have realized I am “hiding” behind the fact that I have C-PTSD. Realizing that I have used it as a shield hurts a lot. I have said it too many times, ” I can’t help it I have C-PTSD ” Which is partly true. I do have C-Ptsd but I am still responsible for my own actions. This is, to begin with, the reason why I have been working so hard on healing. And then coming to the conclusion that I didn’t take that responsibility like I should have been doing was a kick in the ass I rightfully deserved.

When I am in crisis I have no patience because there’s fear, intrusive thoughts, and emotional pain that takes over my rational thinking. I am ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t control these emotions. I handled it all wrong and I am sorry.

I don’t think there’s anything really that can excuse me from taking that responsibility.

Am I too hard on myself? I don’t think I am. I feel confident that I am able to learn to practice more patience I only hope and pray that those who love me and that I surround myself with will practice their patience with me as well while I am healing and learning. I am in fact actually grateful I was able to face this truth, it gives me the chance to do something with it.

I just wish I had this much insight when I am in fact in crisis. Let this be a wake-up call for me.

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Home renovation

September 15th, 2021

I just kicked my brother out of the house, he said you can’t cook… so I didn’t hesitate n shove him out.. now I realize that they removed my kitchen… was I a lil too fast forward? I am just kidding about that by the way I haven’t talked to my brother in years and I just needed an intro for this post about the renovation they do in my apartment. (and everyone else’s in the neighborhood)

They are literally Goin to do something in every space in my house, The balcony is going to be closed off, I get a new kitchen, new tiles in my kitchen, pipes in my bathroom being replaced, a new shower, cold bridges above every window in every room, the filter system is being renewed, the closet where my electric and gas meter is will be updated for solar energy (honestly I think they should put their plates on the roof.. but what do I know) they gonna put some old pipes in the wall.. no wait they replace some old pipes n put them in the walls, yeah I’m pretty sure that’s what they will do and they going to build a closet around the heating system (boiler and cv).

So I’m sleeping in the next few weeks like I own a weed plantage, with garbage bags taped against the windows o.o. Let’s just hope my energy bill doesn’t go up.

So this means very little streaming for me for a while so instead I will do a lot more supporting other ppls streams which I usually didn’t have much time for because I normally always stream insane hours! Maybe I can stream a little in the later afternoon and perhaps in the weekend on Saturday mornings. We will see.

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Secrets

July 6th, 2021

Some secrets are meant to be kept, even or actually especially in a relationship. An “innocent” thought, for example, might cause pain to your significant other if they knew but without taking any action upon that innocent thought and keeping it to yourself you do not hurt anyone really. The truth may be that your significant other knows, depending on how well they know you, and that’s fine we all know that we ourselves have thoughts we don’t always share and we don’t have to. so it’s not so hard to figure out that the other person has such thoughts too.

Secrets become a problem when they are being acted out, even more so when this is being done secretly. If you find yourself in such a position then you are doing something that you believe will compromise your relationship or your own image. If the truth and often such secrets come out sooner or later, is being revealed then someone often is going to be hurt in the process in more than one way. Betrayal is something difficult to deal with. For both sides often. After all, if you didn’t have a problem with the betrayal or the consequences it may have then you wouldn’t keep it secret.

Honesty in a relationship is important to an extent. Putting the other person down or making them feel bad (and yes we often can figure out easily what makes the other person feel bad) is something you sometimes can easily avoid by just not responding to something, or keeping your reaction neutral. It means to accept and respect someone for who they are.

We do not all have to agree on the same things, we are different people and have different personalities and things we like and dislike. For example to old “does pineapple belong onto pizza” question. You not having respect for the other person and/or accepting them doesn’t necessarily say anything about that other person and perhaps a lot more about you. The way you treat others is because of who you are, not because of who they are.

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Good Morning.

July 3rd, 2021

The title of this post is more than just a good morning wish. Yes, I do wish you all a good morning but, it’s also really the topic I like to write about today.

The power of positivity, yeah I know I hate how this is too often used, but to wish someone a goodmorning might mean a lot to a person. You don’t always know where the other persons coming from, how they slept and what they are dealing with in life. A simple friendly goodmorning message can make there day a little lighter and easier to carry.

That doesnt mean you gonna have to go wish everyone in all your social media a good morning all the time but when these are people that love you and are close to you then may i ask you to thank them please and just wish them a good morning back.

Too often have I woken up from a long night full of nightmares and anxiety with still that anxiety roaming in my body making me physically not feeling well. I wished the people I love a good morning even tho these people messaged me back other things on their agenda were more important than returning kindness. I felt uncared for, unloved, unseen unheard, unimportant. On a good day, I would have noticed it too and it wouldn’t have felt nice. But on a bad day like today, it actually hurts.

No I am not blaming the other person directly, after all I dont know what they have been dealing with themselfs. I’m just reaching out to everyone here who reads this trying to find understanding for the other side of the story. For me its very important to feel seen and noticed. I feel this is something I have no controle over because its something I need from the people I love.

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Farewell my little furry friend

May 18th, 2021

Today at 13:11 Silver our loyal dog and best furry friend fell asleep peacefully and calm. I had to make the difficult decision to put him to sleep because he had serious problems with his spine. He was in pain and was not able to walk anymore normally. On June 8 he would have been 8 years old. I saw him for the first time in reality when he was 2 weeks old and fell in love with him. When he was 7 weeks old I brought him home. I will miss him so much. He was always there for me so I had to be there for him until the end. And I was. I love you, Silver. Rest in Peace.

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