Some people think I am afraid to be alone, but I am not. I don’t like it often though. I have been alone most my life emotionally and the need to share myself with someone close to me is there. Yes I have my daughters but that’s a different kind of closeness.

I’m more afraid of abandonment than being alone and that’s a different kind of fear. When I’m alone I’m actually more calm and relaxed and my anxiety seems to fade. However, I know that’s because I’m avoiding and feeling safe without anyone around to hurt me. No one to make me feel bad about who I am. Yet at times the feeling of loneliness keeps creeping in and the need to be loved and cared for like everyone has. I know a lot may not understand this feeling because they are surrounded by that love and care I am missing in my life. It’s normal to have this in your life, but not for me.

I stream and enjoy streaming for the social contacts I have with people as much as I enjoy the get away from life with gaming and simply because I enjoy the games as they are interesting and beautifully made. The humor in some games is great and the stories fascinating. It kills time and is a great hobby to share with others.

So instead of being alone, I need more time with others in real life in safe and healthy relationships to learn the things I have not learned as a child. That relationships can be safe and how to deal with certain emotions and situations. That sounds strange coming from an adult but it is as simple as it is. I have missed out on learning these basic skills because I was lacking the base of a safe family environment growing up. later on in life relationships with others neither were safe and healthy. So the need for this is great where at the same time it is very scary for me.

So I have moved my treatment to another trauma center a lil over a year ago. This is the NPI center. The center I was with before was Sinai. I’m at a point now where I feel they don’t really want to treat me anymore and don’t have me diagnosed right. They keep wanting to give me treatment for BPD and it’s true that treatment for BPD is helping with people who have C-PTSD in many cases BUT I do NOT have BPD. My issues are trauma-related.

C–PTSD: Understanding the Differences. The key difference between BPD and C–PTSD is that symptoms of BPD stem from an inconsistent self-concept and C–PTSD symptoms are provoked by external triggers. A person with C–PTSD may react to or avoid potential triggers with behaviors similar to those that are symptomatic of BPD

The above-quoted from goodtherapy.org tells exactly why I don’t have BPD. I’m trying to get EMDR to deal with my traumas from the time I was bullied for like 15 years and by chance the traumas from my relationships after that. I’ve been trying to go back to the therapy center I was at but that seems problematic. I may have to go to private therapy which I can’t afford. Sighs

Every so often I get challenged with questions about my symptoms and my self diagnose of C-PTSD. Understandable from one point of view but at the same time the other side of the coin is that it hurts, a lot. One of the things that I’ve been challenged with a few times is my memory loss, my short term memory damage that I have to deal with. It’s opted a few times that it’s a selective memory that I have.

It’s very painful to go from a very good memory to someone who has a very bad memory. I was a student who didn’t have to study for her exams, A child who won most memory games. Today I have to write things down I want to remember and set a timer to be reminded about events. It’s very painful that the symptoms of abuse, done to me by other people are being used against me.

I have not received an official diagnosis of C-PTSD because it’s not in the DSM 5. That’s why simple as is. In the next DSM, it will be listed and you will see that more people will be (unfortunately) receiving the diagnose of C-PTSD. However at the beginning of my healing journey when I went to my doc the first time and they forwarded me to the trauma center who treated me The diagnose I was given was C-PTSD. That’s what my doctor wrote down.

Since my first appointment was still far away I started to research C-PTSD and I found Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. From thinking I was losing my mind and going insane I suddenly had a lot of lightbulbs around me flashing on one after another. I started to understand what was happening to me was the result of trauma, abuse and I was definitely not going insane At a much later appointment with that same doctor and it was discussed again I found out they meant Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, that doesn’t match with the abuse I’ve gone through.

PTSD is mostly caused by single event trauma at any point in life whereas C-PTSD is caused by severe ongoing trauma starting in early childhood and is usually caused by several types of abuse.

The trauma center specialized in my type of trauma never gave me any single diagnosis they just treated me for my symptoms. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD. It makes sense because C-PTSD is known to have such a variety of symptoms that overlap symptoms of other mental health problems that they simply don’t want to be misdiagnosed by anyone and it’s as mentioned before NOT in the DSM 5. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD.

“The stress of PTSD can have an adverse effect on memory. Specifically, this can have severe effects on the hippocampus, including a decrease in hippocampus volume, causing problems with transferring short–term to long–term memory, and with the formation of short–term memories” Quoted from Wikipedia

“According to recent research, the hippocampus, an organ in your brain, literally shrinks by 8 percent in the brains of PTSD sufferers. That’s a significant problem because the hippocampus is responsible for regulating emotion, storing long-term memory, and sorting old and new memories.” Quoted from April Lyons

Stress can cause acute and chronic changes in certain brain areas which can cause long-term damage. Over-secretion of stress hormones most frequently impairs long-term delayed recall memory but can enhance short-term immediate recall memory. This enhancement is particularly relative to emotional memory. Quoted from Wikipedia

I have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused, I don’t have a selective memory, I have C-PTSD. It’s hard enough already to deal with everything I meet with throughout my day without having to defend myself for my symptoms. Especially in stressful situations, when I’m trying to focus on not dissociating and when my anxiety pops up which is all the time or when I have a panic attack less or more severe, memory loss is a serious symptom I have to deal with. I have a hard time recalling words I want to use in my sentences or I forgot what I was going to say or what someone else said a minute ago. And that are just a few examples that make communicating hard for me sometimes more than other times.

I am sorry but not sorry for the inconvenience it causes for other people because it is not my fault and I am working hard on my healing every single day and with that, I am taking my responsibility.

Here in Amsterdam now at the end of the summer, the number of infections and deaths due to corona is rising again. I Still dont trust the numbers the RIVM gives us. I feel like they simply have no clue what they exactly are doing xcept trying to make it seem like they do.

No worries, I still wear my mask and im still self isolating as much a possible at home. I rather not get sick or infect othes in case im asymptomatic. Most of the people who have been the cause of spreading the virus now in the Netherlands seem to have been on vacation to spain and france. IT makes me a little bit angry. Why are people so careless? Maybe their lifes dont matter so much to them but its not only theirs that they put at risk.

Yes, I know a life not lived is a life wasted but there are other ways to live your life without risking your own and other peoples life, right? Recovering from Covid can take months if not even up to a year. Your body needs to recover even after you are not sick anymore.The teacher that was at my daughters school who has been tested positive with Covid 19 is STILL not back at work because of it. Thast like two moths now. I’m just aying.

The covid 19 pandemic did not personally affected me a whole lot yet beside the fact that I go out even less now and I wear a mask when I do. However now Ali came into my life that has changed. This pandemic limits me now in ways that we dont ontrol really. When exactly is it safe to meet with someone? How dangerous is flying when it comes to spreading of the virus? Planes are known to be a hotspot for virusses to be spread.

I am not feeling as patient anymore like I have been but I will maintain the safety regulations just like I have before I met with Ali. The vallue of alife has not changed and neithe has the responcibility that I carry with me as a mother or simply the fact that Im not alone on this planet.

<3 Luna

Last week I had a little incident with Silver where he got bothered by another dog. Silver was startled and jumped aside. The owner of the other dog scolded his dog and we both went on our own ways. I was talking to a neighbour and then continued my routine walk with Silver. I noticed immediately something was wrong. He was limping a little bit.

Silver wouldnt let me. I assume its because of my anxiety and dogs sense that easily. So i tried finishing our walk and back home i tried again to look at it. He kept licking his pawn wouldnt let me check. So a day later I decided to ask my ex husband to look at it because it needed to be looked at. When he couldnt see anything we decided that he would take him to the vet the next day. That didnt work out somehow and it took untill last Monday that he was seen by the Vet.

When Silver was finally back home it turned out he had indeed somethign in his paw and the vet tried take it out. She got some of it out of his paw but thinks theres more in it So I needed to let his paw sit for a good 5 minutes in a little bath with a bathbomb thingy against infection and with healing materials in it. Also got a bunch of painkillers for him. After two days bathing his paw I notice the paw was less swollen and red. and yesterday he was a lot much alive again either.

Im so happy because if he was not gonne be better before the end of the week he would need to have a surgery. apart from the costs this could be traumatic for him cause he might have to stay the night over at the vet then and silver really hates being alone for more then 4 hours. imagine have to stay at the vets alone a whole evening and night after a surgery..

He is my little buddy and I wouldnt know what to do without him.