Alone
Some people think I am afraid to be alone, but I am not. I don’t like it often though. I have been alone most my life emotionally and the need to share myself with someone close to me is there. Yes I have my daughters but that’s a different kind of closeness.
I’m more afraid of abandonment than being alone and that’s a different kind of fear. When I’m alone I’m actually more calm and relaxed and my anxiety seems to fade. However, I know that’s because I’m avoiding and feeling safe without anyone around to hurt me. No one to make me feel bad about who I am. Yet at times the feeling of loneliness keeps creeping in and the need to be loved and cared for like everyone has. I know a lot may not understand this feeling because they are surrounded by that love and care I am missing in my life. It’s normal to have this in your life, but not for me.
I stream and enjoy streaming for the social contacts I have with people as much as I enjoy the get away from life with gaming and simply because I enjoy the games as they are interesting and beautifully made. The humor in some games is great and the stories fascinating. It kills time and is a great hobby to share with others.
So instead of being alone, I need more time with others in real life in safe and healthy relationships to learn the things I have not learned as a child. That relationships can be safe and how to deal with certain emotions and situations. That sounds strange coming from an adult but it is as simple as it is. I have missed out on learning these basic skills because I was lacking the base of a safe family environment growing up. later on in life relationships with others neither were safe and healthy. So the need for this is great where at the same time it is very scary for me.
