There is a monster inside of me

There is a monster inside of me
It’s a monster and its called C-PTSD
Every so often, it runs rampage and hurts me inside out
I try to ignore it, contain it, and fight it but its too loud
Too often it brings me to my knees and finally I break down
It continues, its still not done until I emotionally drown
Finally being able to break free from the pain
You would think it’s over but here comes the shame
I’m ashamed for all the confusion and my tears,
I’m ashamed for my pain, my anger, and my fears,
I am ashamed and honestly most of all I want to hide
But I can’t, I have to be strong and continue my fight
I see how it hurts you too when it’s not even your fault
That refueled the monster who then hits me with another assault
I try not to break down again and fight with all my strength
I fight till I win, I fight till the bitter end
I am emotionally exhausted and feel beaten when its finally done
Once again I came through it but I don’t feel like I have won.
I keep working on building my strength and trying to heal
It starts with understanding and controlling my reactions to what I feel
It’s a long run, exhausting and hard but I refuse to give up on me
I am worth it and one day I shall win, you will see.

D.S. 1:49 PM March 4, 2018

My heart in a box,

Here is my heart,
it comes in a box
I know that confuses you
because normally it sits in one’s chest

But not my heart,
My heart comes in a box
to keep it from danger
and to protect it from hurt

surrounded by soft tissues
here and there colored red
from the wounds that it had
you can still see the scars.

Here is my heart,
it comes in a box.
I can’t live without, but
It serves me no purpose where it used to be.

D.S 3-1-2018 2:42 pm

Scarred and scared

Not loved
Not understood
Not wanted
Not needed
Scared

Not heard
Not cared for
Not liked
Not missed
Scarred

Avoiding
Hiding
disappearing
Disappointing
Destructing

Dont want to see
Dont want to feel
Dont want to hurt

You think you know
Becaus I told you
You think you know
But you dont
You dont.

You cant hear
What I feel,
You can’t see
What I feel
You cant feel
What I feel.

Dont want you to know,
Dont want you to feel
Dont want you to hurt

I want to leave
I want to go
I want to be
Alone when I’m lonely

D.S 14/5 2017 11:03 am

I lied to you,

When I told you that I love you,
And when I said I would for as long as I live.

It’s not true,

Because I don’t just love you,
What I feel is so much more then that.
There just are no other words that will do.

Because,

You are my soul mate,
I will love you always,
Beyond the stars and the moon.
And I will find you again and again.

Luna, (D.S)  august 4 2017 9:58 am

Like Chocolate

Whenever
You look at me
With your beautiful
Deep brown eyes

Butterflies
In my stomach
Every time
Again and again

I melt
Like chocolate
In your mouth
When you smile

My heart races
When your voice
Meant for me
Reaches my ear

You touching my life
Leaves an imprint
In my heart
I never forget.

D.S. 23 march 2017 12:30