Unfortunately things between me and Ali did not work out. Things do not always go as we want. That doesn’t mean that either of us is a bad person just that it simply didn’t work out.

I don’t really want to go into detail on how things went between us because I think that’s not anyone else’s business. That’s something between me and Ali. He’s a great person and I have no need to hang the dirty laundry that every broken relationship has, outside for everyone to see.

However I did felt the need to say something about this because the relationship I had with him was different then any other I’ve been in. It helped me a lot in my healing process. Ali showed me a me from a different angle and in a different light. I will always appreciating this.

If you do happen to read this Ali, I wish you well, good fortune, and love, miss you much.

What this relationship brought me is a lot of healing and more wisdom. Wisdom I wish I had at a younger age to make better decisions. The fortunate part of this is that I know better what I want. Or rather what kind of person I need in my life.

Someone who’s friendly n kind, who can handle me and my C-PTSD. Someone with patience to learn about it. He is supportive, likes to cuddle, and has a generous heart. Someone who communicates things well and has the space for me in his life.

Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely not looking for a relation at this point. I’m good. I have too much to deal with at this point as it is already dealing with a burnout from everything I got going on. Basically I’ve canceled out everything as much as I can from things I HAVE to do and focus on things I want to do. I just need a break and that’s what I am taking at the moment. A break

A few days ago I did an unboxing stream on my twitch channel. It was the first of a live stream that’s related to my crafting. I am planning to start doing crafting streams once I have my Elgato and a new webcam.

What did I unbox? I unboxed Pergamano crafting supplies. This was my Christmas gift of 2020 from a very sweet and thoughtful man. After he learned I had lost my crafting supplies a long time ago, he realized how much this has meant to me he told me that he wanted to replace these materials and tools for me. So he sends me on a shopping-spree online (since we have a lock-down and everything is closed) and I came home with like 500 euros worth of crafting supplies!

Finally delivered after a bunch of delays due to Brexit, covid, and out of stock of certain items. So when these items finally arrived I did an unboxing stream. Now I finally can get back into my crafting again! I appreciate this so much! <3

Perhaps now my last post also makes more sense after you read this one if you had not understood it yet, altho there’s a lot more meaning in it than just a replacement of my crafting tools. Pergamano crafting has been so soothing and calming for me. I can make beautiful things with it and I enjoy the time spend while crafting.

I hope to see you in one of my streams someday when I’m crafting (or gaming). My stream channel is at twitch.tv/lunatearz

Hugs to all and Much love and thanks to Ali!

“EVERYTHING YOU LOVE IS VERY LIKELY TO BE LOST, BUT IN THE END, LOVE WILL RETURN IN A DIFFERENT WAY.”

This is a quote that helps me a lot in my healing journey and I can find true meaning for myself. Especially now today for reason I don’t wish to share. That why I want to share this today here. It’s by Franz Kafka who was a novelist and short-story writer, he never married and never had children. He lived from 1883 until 1924.

When he was 40, he was strolling through Steglitz Park in Berlin, when he met a young girl crying her eyes out because she had lost her doll. Together they looked for the doll without success. Then Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would look again for the doll.

The next day, they still didn’t found the doll and Kafka gave the girl a letter that was supposedly written by the doll that said, “Please do not cry. I have gone on a trip to see the world. I’m going to write to you about my adventures.”  

That was the beginning of a story that continued to the end of Kafka’s life. 

Every time when Kafka and the girl would meet, Kafka read aloud his carefully composed letters of adventures and conversations about the doll, which the girl loved. Finally, Kafka read her a letter where the doll tells them she had come back to Berlin and he gave her a doll he had bought for her. “This does not look at all like my doll,” the girl said. Kafka handed her another letter that was reading: “My trips, they have changed me.” The girl then hugged the new doll and took it home with her.  

Many years later, the now grown-up girl found a letter tucked into an unnoticed crevice in the doll. The tiny letter, signed by Kafka, said, “Everything you love is very likely to be lost, but in the end, love will return in a different way.”

This story, this quote, tells me about replacing a love that’s lost and within my last relationship, I found so much truth in this that I was reminded about this quote and story. The love this man has given me has proven to be very healing. I feel blessed that we met. Thank you, Ali

The pandemic is starting to get harder n harder on me. The borders are closed again as much as possible only open for necessary traveling. All stores except the most important ones, drugstores, supermarkets, and pickup points at DIY shops in case something breaks down in your house. Schools are also closed until Jan 18th.

I keep saying it; they should have done this a lot sooner. Now everyone is crying about not being able to be together with Christmas and not being able to do Christmas shopping. SUCKS to be a last-minute Christmas shopper doesn’t it now? I have ordered some things in the mail literally over one and a half month ago and I’m still waiting for the delivery. I thought it be in time for Christmas. I guess I thought wrong.

I didnt knew that the country was goign to shut down again and everyone and their mom n sister be buying everythign they can and dont need online. The mail is working overtime and cant handle the large amount of packages.

While typing this I glance briefly at my Christmas tree, colorful, sparkly and full of joy with beautiful, silly and cute ornaments it stands proud in my livingroom spreading its joy. Underneath i have stacked nicely wrapped gifts. Another year that I have wrapped my own gifts that I bought for myself. I did it kinda autmatically because i have done so as long as I can remember. Then again my memory is not the best.

I’m mainly doing that for the kids so they didn’t felt bad that mommy didn’t get anything from Santa. My youngest now doesn’t believe anymore since this year and knows I buy all the gifts. I realized that too late after I finished all my wrapping and put everything under the tree. Not sure if it will bother her or make her sad, I honestly hope it will go unnoticed.

Another year, another Christmas maybe one day the traumas I carry deep inside me will not have their effect anymore until then my December days weigh heavy till the end of the month. New years never has been such an issue more like a relief actually that I have it behind me again. Let’s hope that next year the pandemic will be lifted and everyone can go about again so they stop complaining and I don’t have to feel worried anymore when going somewhere.

How do you explain C-PTSD to another person? How do you explain the feelings that come with it when you yourself have no idea how to even call all the emotions that are running rampage through your body.

How do you explain to someone that just because another person who also happens to have C-PTSD and who appears to be very successful in certain areas that’, that doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be capable of these things too?

How do you explain what’s going on with you when you have to focus on keeping your reactions under control because your in the middle of an episode.

Partners, family, and friends of people with trauma, physically or mentally please do your research, talk about it with your partner, and be patient. And to those with the trauma, be patient with your partner. It IS hard to understand often because they don’t feel what you feel. they have not gone through and are not going through what you feel.

Some may have wondered if I am going to give the answer to the questions I have asked in this article, but I can’t. One person is not the other and your trauma is not mine. Some people are more open and willing to learn about another person’s trauma than another.

Some people are more empathic and understanding than others. Sometimes we just need to accept that we don’t understand something and simply accept what the other person is saying. You don’t always need to understand it. Just being there and listening and making the other person feel heard and not alone means a lot already.

What we feel is only for ourselves to feel. We have no right to tell another person how to feel. How we act on how we feel is our own responsibility and we have no right to blame another person for our own behavior. That being said, an action usually causes a reaction, we are all human keep that in mind and most of all just be mindful overall.