Someone once told me that the children of a person who does wrong are the ones that are punished for it. And it’s true. They will have to deal with the bad name you have created for the family name. They will have to deal with the example you gave them. They will have to heal from the wounds you left them with. They will have to live with the scares and the aftermath.

Look at it even globally, what our ancestors left behind, is what we inherit. The sad racist situation that has been created and seems to be so difficult to change. That is not only because of it not over but also because it, of course, created a chain reaction. You don’t create love with hate. with hate, you created more hate.

And closer to home this lesson I was taught this is just as true. My own children have to deal with the aftermath of decisions I have made. So will the children of everyone else. Genetically we pass on a lot more then we realize just as well. Our traumas for example.

We need to heal ourselves to give our children the strength they need and to be better people then we where. We need to give them the best of ourselves that we can. Not a simple task when you realize that so many people in this world are traumatized beyond belief. It’s hard to react in a healthy way to a bad situation when you are traumatized.

I honestly have responded very badly myself too many times. Fear and also not knowing how to deal and act on things or being able to communicate that through well has been big issues for me.

Beautiful half-blood partial Lunar Eclipse was in the sky last night. I was too tired to stay up for it but when fireworks woke me at midnight I immediately remembered the event and went to take a look at the moon. It was a beautiful sight but have not been able to make any decent pictures. The sky was completely clear and it was amazing to see. <3

I have been going this week and particularly the last few days through some major healing. That causes me to be extremely exhausted and with my lack of sleep, it had its drawbacks that resulted in nightmares and waking up with panic attacks and anxiety again. I am going to need to slow down a little on this and give my self a break before it results in a burnout. I definitely don’t need that.

This is what I focus on and what matters. No matter what anyone else says or does. I know me, I know what I am about and who I am. So do my children. NO its not called selfish, its called selfcare! <3 You do you, I do me.

He didn’t understand why I couldn’t be friends. but when he’s adding all these “hoes n every doe who shows” on his social media, it hurts.

It’s killing me internally. Breaking my heart and hurting my self-worth. Was I just that? It is hard not to count myself into that same group.

But I am not a teen who is selling her self on the internet to get followers. I don’t let the whole world see me dance half-naked on a podium where underaged people go and every sex offender can have a ball.

I have a problem being part of those platforms and supporting that. I find it difficult that people I had respect for are supporting that and even motivating it. My private parts are private and the area around them too. Sure I like being sexy, for my man (not that I have one) or even for myself. But I don’t base my self-worth on it. Or on the number of likes, I get on my posts and pictures.

I do enjoy sharing my pictures tho and I love having a platform that I can basically use as a photo album like back in the days. Of course, I enjoy it when people like my pictures. But I am still the same person. With or without those likes.

His opinion mattered, it still does and it hurts. I wanted to be the one he looked at instead of at others. (maybe I still do.) I wanted him to have more respect for women, not just in word but mostly in deed. Why? To control him? No, not because I wanted to control him. But because of the reason, I gave before and I guess I am also just wondering if I never was really more then that to him. So it is hurting my self-worth and the way I felt about my relationship with him and myself. Wondering if I have been fooled and lied to more then I know. I probably was…

I wonder if all these women and girls he added (back) had been there the whole time but just where a hidden snack, err stack, err oh well you get what I mean. I am wondering if I have been fooled and lied too much more then I thought and knew. Or maybe it’s just my expectations of him that I had set way too high. Did I?

I know what I want to hear and I probably will never know if the answer I may or may not get is actually the truth or not. That’s why I don’t really even want an answer. Because It hurts. It hurts a lot and makes me wish I could run to the other end of the world to hide from it so I don’t know about it. But I can’t and I am already on the other side of the world.