Early on even before we are born the trauma experience already begin if we are being exposed (as strange as that sounds when we are not even born yet) to situations that we don’t feel safe. Let me quote another few lines from ” The 5 Personality Patterns” by Steven Kessler.

“If something in her early environment/womb does not feel safe and loving enough, but instead shocks and scares her, then she won’t have this felt sense of safety in her body and she won’t be able to fully orient to the physical world and attach to it and her body. She won’t believe the physical world is safe and she won’t expect that her needs will be filled by anybody.”

Now when I think of this and reflect on this it brings me more and more understanding again of who I am. I know my father was a violent man. He was an alcoholic as well. I do not know a lot about him since he left us when I and my brother were still at an early age however from the few stories I have heard about how aggressive he was even I assume that was not any different when my mother was pregnant.

I have already always suspected this since I found out and learned more about my C-PTSD, however having this confirmed does make me feel more secure in my own findings. It underlines my realizations of not having memories of pre-trauma me. This brings more and more trust in myself and with that, I feel a little bit more secure and safe within myself which on its own is a big win in my healing progress.

At the same time, it brings sadness because this also means that my two daughters also may have been exposed to trauma even before their birth altho I can not remember any cruelties during my pregnancy my own state of mind obviously has an impact on this too. Since I was already traumatized even though I had not been diagnosed that does not change their experience. I know not to keep hanging in that feeling because it was not my fault and it is not helping.

Learning about my traumas affects my healing a lot and helps me acquire and learn how the use the new skill sets I receive. I am grateful for this process.

The migraine I’m dealing with is beyond what I have had to deal with in a long time. My migraines used to be light and one night or evening at most and I could sit it through with ibuprofen or maybe two. This migraine I am dealing with now, however, is already lasting since Wednesday evening and its Friday morning now.

I am trying to find reasons why I got this migraine so badly now but can’t find any. I have slept most of the day yesterday and due to that slept more badly than ever last night. I’m not good at being sick. I’m not good at doing nothing but it looks like I still have to give in and rest more. So that’s what I will be doing. 🙁

A migraine is not my most favorite thing to start my day with and despite me saying last night that I should slow down, I’m brainstorming about the looks of my new design which I have not really a plan for yet. I think I like to keep the background and the transparency of the blog tiles. The text color in green does well on the background but this is not something I hang on to too strong. Furthermore, I would like to create a new logo/header.

I have been thinking about speaking in my posts and add a voice file to my blog posts. Maybe just for my poetry. I don’t know I have to think about this. I do not like the idea of a video blog. Not only because I don’t like to see myself really that much but also because of the space it will take up. I know I can use youtube but I like to stay in full control of my blog hence why I have my own domain without any ads instead of a free hosted blog.

Free hosted blogs usually have a lot of limitations and my creative mind needs all the freedom it can get when creating my own blog. And as I mentioned before my blog is add free. I never wanted adds on my websites because not only do they interrupt with the design, I don’t want advertisements on my pages that possibly could be from companies that I don’t want to support for whatever reason.

Ugh, so much my brainstorming for now. My migraine is getting worse and I am going to take a forced break.

Today I have updated the PHP of my blog to a much newer version. Also, a few more plugins where updated. My mail plugin and Akismet spam control plugin were both updated. I was pretty anxious about updating the PHP because it could have made my whole blog crash drastically and become unfunctional. but I followed the steps as described and thank goodness none of my plugins caused any problems so far and everything seems to be working fine.

I will keep my paid extended support for my old PHP for another week before I cancel it to make sure I don’t have to roll it back. Stay tuned for more changes to come. This was just one of the last few necessary things to do before I can change the design and some things in the background of the blog.

I know there are people watching me from afar, my facebook, my Instagram and my blog, yes I can see you checking on me I can see your ISP. Wanting to watch me fail. Maybe with envy because I am determined and will keep being focused on my own goals. I don’t care, I have nothing to prove. I don’t live to succeed for other people. I don’t live to be great in their eyes and I don’t live to please them. I hope it brings them healing since that is what I focus on. Healing myself, and my little family, my world and everyone and everything in it in that order. If I fall that’s okay because I know I am resilient and will bounce back to be stronger and climb higher then before. May watching me bring them wisdom and the healing they are in need of themselves. 

<3 Much love!