Entertainment
For some reason I like this word but I can’t tell you why. However that’s not why I made it the title of this post. It is actually related to my post.
In my healing journey it is essential to have a caring and loving environment that are supportive cq friends and family. For me (and many other traumasurvivors) that’s a tough one. It’s usually exactly what we are lacking and why we got traunatized to begin with.
The very few friends I’ve had I always held dear and I took care of not taking them for granted. Even when I couldn’t always be the friend I wanted to be. Now the person I’m closest with kind of made me feel bad because my supposedly low entertainment lvl. There’s a whole lot of stuff involved with this and I really don’t want to write all that out.
Where I’m getting at is that in my understanding friendship is not just based on how much the other person can entertain you. I thought people where friends and hanging out together because they like each other, have mutual interest, share the sane kind of ideas, humor etc and like doing the same kind of things and enjoy doing those things together.
Suddenly makes me feel used again. Or rather useless. As if I’m supposed to have a use as a friend. Just being who I am isn’t entertaining enough to hang around with. I would almost apologize for being traumatized and having a lot of stuff on my mind and dealing with a lot. But I won’t because it’s not in my control or my fault.
What I do have is a need to be able to relax and for people who accept me as I am and still want to hang out with me even tho I can’t bring them the lvl of entertainment others can. Relaxing is difficult for me. I’m always on edge and alert so when I can relax with someone else it’s actually a sign of trust. Though now I feel as if I got told just being me isn’t good enough.
The few laughs, a silly video and the humor I can share I dont feel like I want to share with them anymore cause I don’t want to be in a competition with other friends. I have my own value and I feel that’s not appreciated anymore now.
Sadness and hurt is overwhelming and it’s hard to fight the stream of emotions and thoughts that are not helping. I’m debating to go sleep so I don’t feel it because I have no solution for this I don’t control how other ppl feel about me. Though it hurts to be just a name on a list.
