Alone
Today I found myself in a situation where I felt extremely alone. Not because I am isolated now because of the coronavirus. I’m used to be isolated and have a social distance but because I felt unloved, excluded, unimportant, uncared for, unseen and very much alone specifically by those I love. This is partly related to my traumas because a situation triggered me a little bit and woken up old wounds. And for another part, because I am very much isolated and don’t have a family really that I am close with or hang out and only a few friends I’m not really close with either.
I kept trying to ground myself and partly succeeded. For the other part, I sought company but this didn’t turn out as good as I had hoped for. I explained my feelings but was met with resistance and somewhat rejected when I said how I felt. My mission failed and even tho I did had the company then I was hurt and extremely sad that I was met little to no understanding of my situation.
Then in my communication during the time spent together with this person I worded things in a way that hurt them. I apologized but this wasn’t met with respect or even accepted. This was for me not just any person but someone I truly care for personally. And such situations keep reoccurring to me with those that I love and care for. So I wonder am I too demanding? asking for too much? I have questioned myself this many times and even carefully sometimes asked others who I think have been sincere with me. None said that I asked too much, some questioned if I asked the right person but this person is my friend, they say they love and care for me.
After some time spent together neither of us being satisfied with this meeting, this feeling of hurt, sadness, loneliness and the traumas from my past gripping at me and surrounding me in a dark cloud that only time can defeat until it happens again. Sadly I think it will I just never know when and how long it will last or take.
This whole happening reminded me of a poem by one of my favorite poets, Edgar Allen Poe. Even tho I question the person that he was with what I know of his life, some of his poems I can relate to as if it was about myself. “Alone” Is such a poem. The poem was untitled but added later on by another person. I personally don’t feel the poem fitting with the rest of the wording of the poem altho the poem in its own way depicts the title. However, it remained the title of this poem that has never been published during the life of Edgar Allan Poe himself.
Alone —
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring —
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov’d — I lov’d alone —
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn
Of a most stormy life — was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still —
From the torrent, or the fountain —
From the red cliff of the mountain —
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold —
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by —
From the thunder, and the storm —
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view —
— Edgar Allan Poe
I know the stains of my tears on my pillow will disappear when dried up after I cried myself to sleep again tonight but the invisible scars stay. I wish I knew how to end this suffering, I’m tired, no, exhausted. I know I deserve happiness too without that shadow and raincloud always there to make sure I dont forget the pain.
