Assumptions
Its been on my mind for a long time and I never really have spoken out about this much and most definitely not in public. Though I have reached a point in my healing that I feel comfortable bringing it up. So here goes.
Many times I read in the C-PTSD groups that I am part of how their siblings, grandmothers, aunts, nieces and other family members or friends of their family members don’t believe and accept what has happened to them after they opened up to them about it.
I have not done this as I am really not that close to any of them and I don’t feel the need to. I am assuming that if I would open up to them they will not believe, accept or even want to hear my story about the origins of my C-PTSD. I am sure there will be things they will dismiss and that they don’t want to hear.
Only those able to see things through my eyes would understand it fully anyway because they have not walked my path and stepped into my shoes. Thinking about this also makes me wonder what would I want to achieve by telling them? I can’t find a goal or a reason. I’m not looking to be accepted or for them to judge what has happened to me. I am not looking for attention or a pat on the back.
And most certainly I am not looking for pity or to be judged myself. Some of them may know little others maybe more but none of them heard it from me but does it really matter? I don’t think it does and it would make little difference for me if they would believe and accept my truth. The opposite would make a bigger difference and I have faced that enough already at the time to push myself through that again.
I’m so used to not being close to anyone anymore that most of the time I don’t even miss it. Is this a bad thing? Is it holding me back from enjoying life and getting the most out of it? I don’t know really. There where only a few people in my life that I enjoyed being close with and who I trusted.
To be with someone on that level again is scary and I don’t know if I can bring myself to that position ever again. Sighs.
