What is loneliness to me?

Loneliness to me occures most times when I’m the least alone, when I am thinking of someone where I rather be at that time, and at moments that I ant to share something with someone and find myself alone. Think about watching a movie with other people or when you have a great idea. Sometimes it means longing for a certain person and at other times it  is not that important who it is you are with. Loneliness is not the same thing as fear of being alone, I guess loneliness can be best described as unwilling solitude for a certain period of time. Its an emotional state and its more then just wanting to be around other people or do something with others. Loneliness to me means  feeling disconnected from other people and contact with other people becomes difficult then.

I like being alone but that is not the same thing as  being lonely. When I feel lonely I tend to prefer to be alone and not in a group of people simply because it makes more sense to me then.

Am I lonely?  At times, yes. Sure, partly because I don’t allow people to come close to me. The reason for that are my trauma’s The few people I do let come close I do not necessary trust either so that shrinks the people in my circle even further. The people that I do let come close I refuse to always lean on aside of the fact that they can not be there always either. So yes I do get lonely at times. But I try not to dwell on it because then it becomes more toxic and  triggers my trauma’s.