Just A Little Thinking
Just a Little thinking,
I raise my head and look right up in the sky
There are stars blinking, up n above, very high.
They’ve made me think about something,
they’ve made me think about almost everything.
About my life, my future and my past,
The time is going so very fast.
They’ve made me almost crying,
But I’ll keep on trying,
to see the beauty of life
and forget the pain, from that knife,
Its two sided blade that has hurt me deep,
the pain that I feel, no matter if I’m awake or asleep.
I’m trying to put that feeling apart,
yes I’m trying very, very hard
And get the strength to compose a laugh.
The laugh that I almost always have.
Because that’s what my life is about,
always laughing out loud
No matter what happens to me
no one will and shall ever see,
That I’m crying, deep down inside of me.
And no matter what I try,
that feeling is always on standby.
21 December 1997 D.S.
Edit: March 15 – 2022.
A little explanation with this poem.
When I wrote this I was already having my c-ptsd, I just didn’t know. I was too busy surviving and was hiding my pain. The two sided blade is about love and trust.
I lived as in I was breathing and eating but I don’t call surviving living. Surviving is trying to make it through the day unto the next. Living is participating. I didn’t feel I was doing that for most of my life.
As the poem reads I was always laughing out loud. I was always hiding my pain and trying to be bigger than it.
Today I feel I was better off surviving instead of trying to live. The confrontation with my feelings and my fears is wearing me down.
