Struggles,
A little over a year ago I wrote about pride and then especially about some pride I found in myself. Today I feel nothing like that at all. The opposite. I’m tired of these everyday struggles and problems I am facing. Although I everytime do, many times I really don’t know how and where to get the energy from to continue fighting and facing my battles but I refuse to give up.
If I give up fighting then all the energy I have put into it is lost. I haven’t lost until I give up. It’s the only thing that can get me through it so I really do not have much of a choice.
I know this will never go away, I know this is just a battle to learn to live with things better more then that it’s healing anything. I can’t get back like I could with a bad product I bought where you would get a new, better, similar product or just your money back. It does not work like that with time. Time is something irreversibly once spend. You can’t even decide not to spend it and save it for a better moment.
I am trying to be the best person I can and sadly, often that’s nothing more then sitting on the couch at home doing nothing really until it’s time to pick up my youngest daughter from school. This makes me sad because I want to and should be to be able to do so much more.
My well being is important, not just for me, but also because I am responsible for the well being of my children and partly the well being of my family.
I know this is my battle that only I can fight but if I would get the support I need, it would make it a lot easier.
Instead of pride I feel disappointed in myself. I can’t accept myself as I am now. I understand it. But I am so much more. Just no one else but me sees, feels and knows where my energy goes to and the struggles I face… If I could share that for a moment I believe it would bring a lot of understanding which on its own already would be very supportive and helpful for me.
I did not wrote this so people would feel sorry for me. I wrote this to give words to my feelings and get it off my chest. I did not wrote this for other people to read and think how weak of a person I am. I did not wrote and posted it to get peoples sympathy and reactions if any kind. I wrote this to get it of my chest. I posted it because I have the right to be who I am. Because I don’t have to pretend I am OK. Because I am not OK and because I have the right to be not ok.
I wrote this because I want to be heard.
