Its 2015, for a while already, but I had not found enough energy to blog the things that I really wanted to share. And the times that I did had the energy I spend it on something else. One has to make choices, some are harder then others but that’s life. So let me first start with wishing my readers a very happy 2015 and hope that everyone’s choices are going to rewarded in a positive way. The winter  has been showing itself on and off here, but not in a real strong way. I am still expecting some day’s of freezing and maybe even snow. We will see. December  was a tough month for me. Normally I don’t like writing about this personal negative stuff online but its part of me and who I am today so I guess its just as important as anything else I share, if not maybe even more important because it is a big deal in my life.

Half a year ago I have been pre-diagnosed with cptsd. I am not going into detail now to explain how I got to receive that diagnose,I don’t think that belongs here on the web right now.  I have been going through several tests at Sinai centre. They are specialised in this area, I had so far  5 appointments that included intelligence tests and psychological tests etc. Now finally after 5 months I have the results and advice in. To get to this point was traumatizing on itself all ready if you ask me. I think it took them way too long and that the results are not complete. The person who has been handling my case told me after every appointment that they she would call me  to let me know what they would advise me. Instead  when she called me again they wanted to do more tests. It went like that every appointment.. So I was losing faith in them very rapidly…  Then she went on vacation and  I had to call her a few times to get a hold of her again. She was then to bring in my case into the advisory meetings with her colleagues within two weeks. So after these two weeks had passed and  I still had not heard anything I started to call them again to find out what was going on. When they called me back I was told that my case handler was on long term absence due to health reasons..  SERIOUSLY and no one could have  called me to let me know that my case was NOT being handled at all and that the made agreements could not be meet because of  her health problems.. I had to go after that myself to find that out… Then when I got a call back she told me it was another 2 weeks before they could handle my case.. So then I made an appointment with her and it couldn’t be any sooner then 3 weeks later. This was last Monday, the 9th of  february. My new case handler I didn’t spoke to before and they had to make this advice now without my original case handler being there. She could not really answer much of my questions and the rapport she had she did not wanted to  have me right now because it was not her who wrote it. So much for  all my braveness to go there every time and then  having to deal with this.

They advised for me the Linehan therapy.  I have been diagnosed with some PTSD symptoms and some Borderline symptoms. I am sure that there is still a lot to be discovered and probably labeled within me but  that will have to happen while underway I guess. The Linehan therapy   has been advised because it can help me  with my emotional problems so they said.  It might, and I am  very willing to give anything that I think might make a difference,  a chance at this point because I myself can’t think of any solutions anymore. I am not suicidal, don’t get me wrong I am not someone to just give up like that. But these emotions inside me, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the pain, the insecurity and the low selfesteem, it needs to stop because I can’t deal with it anymore. its damaging me badly. Its getting the best of my while my family, my children, my husband and myself should be getting the best of me. If I give in, my demons who or whatever they are would have won and can say  see,  I told you so..

So this is my battle, which I have been fighting for  a long time and which I probably will be fighting for a long time from now. This is me, dealing with my past, my present and my future…

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 11th, 2015 at 5:03 pm and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.