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Another Christmas

December 22nd, 2020

The pandemic is starting to get harder n harder on me. The borders are closed again as much as possible only open for necessary traveling. All stores except the most important ones, drugstores, supermarkets, and pickup points at DIY shops in case something breaks down in your house. Schools are also closed until Jan 18th.

I keep saying it; they should have done this a lot sooner. Now everyone is crying about not being able to be together with Christmas and not being able to do Christmas shopping. SUCKS to be a last-minute Christmas shopper doesn’t it now? I have ordered some things in the mail literally over one and a half month ago and I’m still waiting for the delivery. I thought it be in time for Christmas. I guess I thought wrong.

I didnt knew that the country was goign to shut down again and everyone and their mom n sister be buying everythign they can and dont need online. The mail is working overtime and cant handle the large amount of packages.

While typing this I glance briefly at my Christmas tree, colorful, sparkly and full of joy with beautiful, silly and cute ornaments it stands proud in my livingroom spreading its joy. Underneath i have stacked nicely wrapped gifts. Another year that I have wrapped my own gifts that I bought for myself. I did it kinda autmatically because i have done so as long as I can remember. Then again my memory is not the best.

I’m mainly doing that for the kids so they didn’t felt bad that mommy didn’t get anything from Santa. My youngest now doesn’t believe anymore since this year and knows I buy all the gifts. I realized that too late after I finished all my wrapping and put everything under the tree. Not sure if it will bother her or make her sad, I honestly hope it will go unnoticed.

Another year, another Christmas maybe one day the traumas I carry deep inside me will not have their effect anymore until then my December days weigh heavy till the end of the month. New years never has been such an issue more like a relief actually that I have it behind me again. Let’s hope that next year the pandemic will be lifted and everyone can go about again so they stop complaining and I don’t have to feel worried anymore when going somewhere.


How do you explain?

December 13th, 2020

How do you explain C-PTSD to another person? How do you explain the feelings that come with it when you yourself have no idea how to even call all the emotions that are running rampage through your body.

How do you explain to someone that just because another person who also happens to have C-PTSD and who appears to be very successful in certain areas that’, that doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be capable of these things too?

How do you explain what’s going on with you when you have to focus on keeping your reactions under control because your in the middle of an episode.

Partners, family, and friends of people with trauma, physically or mentally please do your research, talk about it with your partner, and be patient. And to those with the trauma, be patient with your partner. It IS hard to understand often because they don’t feel what you feel. they have not gone through and are not going through what you feel.

Some may have wondered if I am going to give the answer to the questions I have asked in this article, but I can’t. One person is not the other and your trauma is not mine. Some people are more open and willing to learn about another person’s trauma than another.

Some people are more empathic and understanding than others. Sometimes we just need to accept that we don’t understand something and simply accept what the other person is saying. You don’t always need to understand it. Just being there and listening and making the other person feel heard and not alone means a lot already.

What we feel is only for ourselves to feel. We have no right to tell another person how to feel. How we act on how we feel is our own responsibility and we have no right to blame another person for our own behavior. That being said, an action usually causes a reaction, we are all human keep that in mind and most of all just be mindful overall.



November 30th, 2020

Some people think I am afraid to be alone, but I am not. I don’t like it often though. I have been alone most my life emotionally and the need to share myself with someone close to me is there. Yes I have my daughters but that’s a different kind of closeness.

I’m more afraid of abandonment than being alone and that’s a different kind of fear. When I’m alone I’m actually more calm and relaxed and my anxiety seems to fade. However, I know that’s because I’m avoiding and feeling safe without anyone around to hurt me. No one to make me feel bad about who I am. Yet at times the feeling of loneliness keeps creeping in and the need to be loved and cared for like everyone has. I know a lot may not understand this feeling because they are surrounded by that love and care I am missing in my life. It’s normal to have this in your life, but not for me.

I stream and enjoy streaming for the social contacts I have with people as much as I enjoy the get away from life with gaming and simply because I enjoy the games as they are interesting and beautifully made. The humor in some games is great and the stories fascinating. It kills time and is a great hobby to share with others.

So instead of being alone, I need more time with others in real life in safe and healthy relationships to learn the things I have not learned as a child. That relationships can be safe and how to deal with certain emotions and situations. That sounds strange coming from an adult but it is as simple as it is. I have missed out on learning these basic skills because I was lacking the base of a safe family environment growing up. later on in life relationships with others neither were safe and healthy. So the need for this is great where at the same time it is very scary for me.


More about my C-PTSD

October 29th, 2020

So I have moved my treatment to another trauma center a lil over a year ago. This is the NPI center. The center I was with before was Sinai. I’m at a point now where I feel they don’t really want to treat me anymore and don’t have me diagnosed right. They keep wanting to give me treatment for BPD and it’s true that treatment for BPD is helping with people who have C-PTSD in many cases BUT I do NOT have BPD. My issues are trauma-related.

CPTSD: Understanding the Differences. The key difference between BPD and CPTSD is that symptoms of BPD stem from an inconsistent self-concept and CPTSD symptoms are provoked by external triggers. A person with CPTSD may react to or avoid potential triggers with behaviors similar to those that are symptomatic of BPD

The above-quoted from goodtherapy.org tells exactly why I don’t have BPD. I’m trying to get EMDR to deal with my traumas from the time I was bullied for like 15 years and by chance the traumas from my relationships after that. I’ve been trying to go back to the therapy center I was at but that seems problematic. I may have to go to private therapy which I can’t afford. Sighs


Forget me not.

October 25th, 2020

Every so often I get challenged with questions about my symptoms and my self diagnose of C-PTSD. Understandable from one point of view but at the same time the other side of the coin is that it hurts, a lot. One of the things that I’ve been challenged with a few times is my memory loss, my short term memory damage that I have to deal with. It’s opted a few times that it’s a selective memory that I have.

It’s very painful to go from a very good memory to someone who has a very bad memory. I was a student who didn’t have to study for her exams, A child who won most memory games. Today I have to write things down I want to remember and set a timer to be reminded about events. It’s very painful that the symptoms of abuse, done to me by other people are being used against me.

I have not received an official diagnosis of C-PTSD because it’s not in the DSM 5. That’s why simple as is. In the next DSM, it will be listed and you will see that more people will be (unfortunately) receiving the diagnose of C-PTSD. However at the beginning of my healing journey when I went to my doc the first time and they forwarded me to the trauma center who treated me The diagnose I was given was C-PTSD. That’s what my doctor wrote down.

Since my first appointment was still far away I started to research C-PTSD and I found Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. From thinking I was losing my mind and going insane I suddenly had a lot of lightbulbs around me flashing on one after another. I started to understand what was happening to me was the result of trauma, abuse and I was definitely not going insane At a much later appointment with that same doctor and it was discussed again I found out they meant Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, that doesn’t match with the abuse I’ve gone through.

PTSD is mostly caused by single event trauma at any point in life whereas C-PTSD is caused by severe ongoing trauma starting in early childhood and is usually caused by several types of abuse.

The trauma center specialized in my type of trauma never gave me any single diagnosis they just treated me for my symptoms. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD. It makes sense because C-PTSD is known to have such a variety of symptoms that overlap symptoms of other mental health problems that they simply don’t want to be misdiagnosed by anyone and it’s as mentioned before NOT in the DSM 5. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD.

“The stress of PTSD can have an adverse effect on memory. Specifically, this can have severe effects on the hippocampus, including a decrease in hippocampus volume, causing problems with transferring shortterm to longterm memory, and with the formation of shortterm memories” Quoted from Wikipedia

“According to recent research, the hippocampus, an organ in your brain, literally shrinks by 8 percent in the brains of PTSD sufferers. That’s a significant problem because the hippocampus is responsible for regulating emotion, storing long-term memory, and sorting old and new memories.” Quoted from April Lyons

Stress can cause acute and chronic changes in certain brain areas which can cause long-term damage. Over-secretion of stress hormones most frequently impairs long-term delayed recall memory but can enhance short-term immediate recall memory. This enhancement is particularly relative to emotional memory. Quoted from Wikipedia

I have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused, I don’t have a selective memory, I have C-PTSD. It’s hard enough already to deal with everything I meet with throughout my day without having to defend myself for my symptoms. Especially in stressful situations, when I’m trying to focus on not dissociating and when my anxiety pops up which is all the time or when I have a panic attack less or more severe, memory loss is a serious symptom I have to deal with. I have a hard time recalling words I want to use in my sentences or I forgot what I was going to say or what someone else said a minute ago. And that are just a few examples that make communicating hard for me sometimes more than other times.

I am sorry but not sorry for the inconvenience it causes for other people because it is not my fault and I am working hard on my healing every single day and with that, I am taking my responsibility.

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